proverbial ride

On the proverbial ride again- down and up, and down again
eyes lit up, now dark instead
they say you learn- you deserve better
loss incurred, analysed, I'm victimised-
with all your guidance and advice
"you'll be ok, you'll learn" i just hurt
no one wants to to see you lie in dirt
thinking about my failures affects their comfort
my rise ensures their prize- smokescreen of happiness
its not ok not to be ok...

write, write, then again write
and keep enjoying your consolation prize
no one gets what they deserve- just enough
enough to get by
enough leverage to justify
ups and downs, up...and down again
chasing that moment of zen

on the proverbial ride there are no easy routes
some expect more and receive less, they fail
some expect less, receive whats coming to them
and wonder why they didnt expect more- they fail
we're all on the same fragile trail
pick a route,
choose a belief,
weapon of choice,
moments of grace,
bury me, then replace me

now- make a chorus for me:
he's on the proverbial ride-
i hurt, you care
i die, you cry
i love, you leave.

Loss

DISCLAIMER: this is actually my interpretation/translation of a Macedonian poem by Zoran Ancevski, it's part of his "interpretation for the dead" series.

Does something exist which doesn't lose anything?
The sun loses, the moon loses
the mountain loses, it's wasting,
the rain loses its form, the wind loses
momentum

The situations and moments you lose along the way
eventually lead you on your way,
in your dreams they subconsciously appear,
they force you to confront them,
touch them,
so you can own them again

But the people you lose on your way
repeatedly tempt you on ur way,
they kindly smile,
wave, and call you
to join them on a journey

From the point of no return
where you have lost yourself along the way
you reach the point of complete loneliness
on the path you so genuinely chose

a lover's sand part 2

Prelude: A lover's sand (part 1) can be found in the 2007 archive. Still a W.I.P really

Blue beam from the bed lamp reflects the blue room
the blue night, a blue movie
my consience is spiteful now that I let the subconscience drive
drive me mad into her room where velvet vails cover us

but the finality of it all creeps in:
the evidence now lies next to us
ponding on the fragile surface,
the loudest statement: fragile silence.

She represents an unattractive demand for sanity
but it's too late, i know that too well,
she's still searching for it
she wants to annex a pretty and comfortable flag on my chest
to re-establish some status quo
the height of the intimacy is making her so
i want to tell her i can lie with her forever
dare I be mortal for a day
and disavow the self professed invincible Messiah,
do I free the convoluted liar?

I'm over 6 feet tall,
when they bury me I'll be more than 6 feet below
and ground zero is lying with you forever
so carve out a wound in my ticker for your crossbow
devolve the moist velvet-veils and pillows,
and release me into the wild willows.

panoptic eye memoirs

I'm a self inverted voyour
watching is a perched telescope so high
elevated on a marble pedistal
over te city watches the panoptic eye
the city skyline and all its erections
it's pure jouissance for the metropolitan girl
miss independent
she explores with no protection

I hide and seek
enjoy the view from down below
as skirts flounder and bras are thrown
watch myself indulging in her loins
in some humid studio apartment
I protect her from the skyline and its erections...
with my own

For a moment i'm a city hero
Gotham cant hold a candle to me
i wash away all her insecurities
pooring like rapids of sweat from her skin
her satin sheets have now adopted them
her loins have adopted mine

merely watch myself shine
I commit the ultimate jouissance crime
I blindly cross the perversion line
with no regard for space and time...

fracture the norm
like water into wine
the inverted voyour changes form
my act is holy and devine
but the panoptic eye sees
heated apartment scenes
manufactured therapy
misunderstood climatic dreams
insecurities being dissolved in some emancipating texture of cum
and the self inveterted voyour remaining numb

last winter

The cedar tree thrives in the snow
it beckons for the cold
it gives it life
i watch it grow

I'm concaved somewhere in a cabin,
in the cold
getting old
it's a season like winter
i'm locked inside
shedding skin,
licking old wounds
you know the ones,
with the attached stigma that time would heal?

If it were a riddle and time just is...
I would be Billy Pilgrim
prisoner of the cold
just not a prisoner of war
without a means to battle
or experience with ammunition
i assume my condition

some cocked back trigger wont stop staring at me
it's only penetrating cold led
but for warmth i beckon
and the smoking ammunition will oblige
smoking hot copper barrel,
cold led in my head
Billy Pilgrim's dead

smiling all the way down

you threw your arms around me
held back the parting tears,
gave me that beautiful but hesistant kiss
as usual, clinging on to your fears
you need not be
if you stayed with me

the suitcase perched on the metal bench
like a hobo who grew attached to it
painful, lonely, but comfortable
maybe i was the real hobo
attached to a dark curly-haired amber
destined for a runaway train

the train coming to rush you to the red land
but on one perfectly still night your soul took my hand
so I believed you,
no checking whether the pool was full
blinded by your amber,
I dove in...all candour

the train hitched you, hobo suitcase detached
leaving behind the promises you requested of me
which i still keep,
like an innocent boy parting with his soon to be estranged father
"mum, he'll be back right, i'll write to him everyday"

and I just leaped
the wind in my hear, smiling all the way down
the hypocricy of your intimacy
still, i'm smiling all the way down

velvety friend

if not for you i'd drowned in all those teardrops that haunt me
run off my cheek and dip on my bottom lip

salty taste but bitterly swallowed
capsules for lonliness, flaw-filled medicine
for a lackluster dance,

but you, you saved me my velvety friend
in my self demise you prolonged my dance
soothed my pallate, enriched my thoughts
the quick fix i had always sought

like the "Man" i had become
i boistrously reached for another one
and when you decided to leave me
and take all the fun with you
the lights were no more bright,
His blood i had disavowed and in that divine rejection
i had to swallow another bitter pill
now i reached manhood i'm half the man i used to be